Grief of the Protected
by dragonwriter24cmf
Summary: Yami no Kodou fan-fic. Kouichi Amano considers the sacrifices his classmate, Kazuomi Touya, has made on his behalf, and grieves. Major spoilers for the manga.


Grief of the Protected

_**Author's Note:** Yami no Kodou is a relatively new manga that can be found at starkana, or possibly other major manga sites. It's only up to Chapter 26 or so in English translations._

_There are major spoilers in here for this manga. So, if you don't like spoilers, I recommend reading the manga first. If you don't mind spoilers, I hope this encourages you to read the manga, because it is excellent._

**Summary: **Kouichi Amano's feelings about Kazuomi Touya's protection, as they both recover from the events in Chapter 19-20. Yami no Kodou fan-fic.

Why? Why are you protecting me? Why are you there for me all the time? Why are you helping me, even when it costs you so much? Why do you reach out to take my hands, to clasp my shoulder, when half the time I'm so out of it that I just end up hurting you? Zapping you with my power. I don't understand you.

Why would you promise to be my friend, to be beside me, even if I am the harbinger of misfortune? Even if I am the enemy of your family. Why would you offer to help me control my powers? Why would you look me in the eyes with that serious expression, and tell me you'd go to hell for me, if only I asked you to? That if I called for you, you'd come to save me, even if it means your life.

Because I think it will. I need you, and I'm too cowardly to turn away and stand on my own. I can't do it, I'm too weak, and you're so strong and sure. But even so...how many times will you catch me, before I drag you down and substitute your life for my own? It's come so close to that already, so many times.

I don't have the strength to move, not even to open my eyes, but I can hear and feel and sense all the things going on around me. I know that I'm in a cell in a temple, sealed to prevent my power from going out of control. I can hear the man, Akari, and someone else, talking about how displeased you'd be, if you knew. And I can hear them talking about you, how you're in a coma, your energy drained to the point where it damaged your body. Because of me.

I remember. Everything.

I remember that day on the train, the first time I really met your eyes and knew who you were. That day I got dizzy and sick, and collapsed. I remember that you carried me to a quiet place, woke me, tended to me. How you got me food and drinks, watched over me throughout the day, made sure I ate lunch. Scolded me about not eating and sleeping properly. I remember wondering why you cared, why you were so kind to me. Because it was kindness, I'm sure of it. Whatever may have intertwined our fates since then, whatever you may have discovered, whatever ulterior motives your family considerations may force you to bear (I've heard people talking here, in my dreams and I know that there are ulterior considerations you're facing), that first time was kindness. And even with everything else, I think you've continued as you have because you are my friend, because you do care. Even if I don't understand why you'd risk it.

It's such a risk to you.

I remember now, when Haizuki attacked me. I don't know what he did. It felt like he drained my energy. Maybe he did. Is that weakness I felt what I do to you? I wonder. But I remember. You interceded for me. You made him let me go, got your friends to take me to the school infirmary. I was too weak then to think, but looking back, I am afraid for you when I remember. What if he had drained you too? What if he had hurt you, for interfering? For all I know, he did.

I remember it, like a dream, being there in the school infirmary. Something went crazy inside me. Something broke inside my head, like there were two of me. The me I've always been stepped back, and someone else took his place. Someone with my eyes, and my fears, and so much power it took my breath away, and the walls began to shake. Someone...who was calling down the lightning. So terrifying, the part of me that's always had control wanted to go hide in a corner.

And you were there. Facing the me who wasn't me. The one the echoes in your mind called the Demon Eyes. I did hear it, but it all seemed like a bad dream. Still does.

I would have run. You didn't. I remember you coming to me, to the me that wasn't me, to the Demon Eyes. You were afraid. You were angry. And then...you stopped, and you smiled. You took a deep breath, and you relaxed. And you walked toward me, into that storm of power, as if you knew I wouldn't hurt you. Only, how could you? Even I didn't know I wouldn't hurt you. And you told me it was all right, that it would be okay, that it would all be fine. That I was fine, that I didn't have to worry.

I could feel your trust. And I trusted you. I could see how calm you were, and it calmed me. Both of me. Then you hit me, and it hurt, but the darker me went back, and I was there. And I remember you holding me as I fell asleep, holding me gently. I should have been angry, that you hit me after you said you wouldn't hurt me, but it didn't feel like you meant to hurt me. Or the other me, the Demon Eyes. I didn't like what you did, but it felt as if you were trying to protect me. The me that isn't Demon Eyes.

What were you doing? I wonder. But even so, I know you were caring for me.

I remember the feeling of your eyes on me as I rested. After you took me to your friend's apartment and laid me on the bed. I knew even then that you were watching over me.

You took me to a safe place, and watched over my sleep. And when my nightmares caused a resurgence in my unstable, dangerous power, you were there. Holding me.

I remember. My other self coiled up, the searing energy flowing through me. And you. Your strength, like a rock. Resonance. My other half, the Demon Eyes, was holding on to you. Using you as an anchor. Power like the sun, as deep as the earth and strong as the core of a mountain.

And we took it from you. Broke the seals around you, and I used...the Demon Eyes used...I can't tell which, but your stability and strength became mine, for both halves of me. I didn't remember then, but I remember now.

I called your name. Not the name you give me. Not Touya Kazuomi. The name of your mana. Your idamu. Misura. And I remember your scream as that power raged forth and was wrenched from you. As the explosion that resonance forced from within you took you by surprise, and you lost control. Lost control, because I had no control, and was using you as an anchor. Because I tapped your mana. I didn't know what I was doing then, but I understand it now. Just as I understand Luche is mine.

At the time, I only wondered why I woke with you passed out on top of me, why you wouldn't wake. Now I know. And I wonder, what you would do if you realized what I could do to you. The power I hold over you. The consequences.

Or do you know, and remember, and accept it, as you have accepted everything else about me?

You came so close to breaking. It was only a few minutes later that my shock, when Mr Akari walked in, triggered your response. That wild surge of power that almost separated your soul from your body. I didn't know what I was doing, only that I was losing you, that you were dying in some way, and I didn't want it to happen. But it was luck and fear and instinct that enabled me to hold you together. Only that.

How badly did that hurt you? You never said. I never asked. I didn't even really think about it. It must have hurt. You came so close to _dying_. And yet, you looked at me with those eyes, and were glad I was awake. You should have been afraid. Not smiling. Not watching over me, so that the next time I started to lose it, you could distract me. Not promising to help me, even knowing how dangerous it was.

It shames me, to think about it. Why did I accuse you of being faithless, that day in the library? Why did I slap you away with my power, try to hurt you, without even listening to your explanation? Sure, I was shocked by the glare you gave me, when you'd always been so even tempered. Sure, I was surprised by how upset you were, over those seals. And yes, I knew at once that it meant you had some connection to me, and one that you probably understood far better than I did. But why...why did I think you were taking advantage of me? Lying to me?Betraying me?

It's embarrassing, remembering how I eavesdropped on your conversation with your friends. Listening to you say 'I screwed up' in that defeated tone of voice. Listening to you tell them that you weren't apologizing because you knew I wouldn't trust you, wouldn't accept it from you. It was so clear, that if I'd even given you a second, you'd have apologized in a heartbeat. And you did try to explain, even there in the library.

Why? Why did it take you risking death for me, again, for me to listen to your voice?

The attack in the park is a nightmare that still haunts me. That thing...that looked like Haizuki, only a thousand times worse. That feeling of being trapped, dominated, violated and devoured, powerless to escape as something tried to possess me, body and soul.

And then you. Reaching for me. Calling for me. Begging me to come. Begging me to say your name, to give you permission.

The thing that trapped me, the monster with Haizuki's face...it never used my name. It never asked me for anything. It just trapped me in the darkness, in the despair.

You wanted me to call for you, so you could save me. You asked for my permission, reached for my hand.

I saw you. I heard your voice, but I also saw you. The pact you made with the Demon Eyes, giving it your power in exchange for the lifeline to me. Sacrificing your strength, to save me. And then you wrenched me from the darkness, you and the Demon Eyes. You wrapped me in your strength, held my hand tightly, and pulled me back to the waking world. Back to life. And promised me you'd save me, no matter what. That you'd go to hell and back, to protect my trust, my faith in you.

Is that why you're so close to death now? I wonder. I wonder if the monster in the darkness, in my dreams, did something to you. Hurt you some way. Or is it just me?

Just me. I wanted to go to the Kamio House. I wonder, if I'd told you where I wanted to go, would you have stopped me? You knew who they were. What they were. That much was obvious when you told me about the seals. When you talked about your connection to them. You probably know a lot more about the situation than I do.

If I'd told you before we got there, what would you have done?

Moot point now. It's done. We went, and something touched me, something nasty. And I knew everything was wrong.

I hate it, that my instinct was to cry out for you. Because I knew you'd come to me, try to save me, try to protect me. Knew that you'd try to guard me. Even if it was me as the Demon Eyes. But it's too late now, because I lost control, and I reached for you. And you did exactly what you promised you would. You tried to help me.

I remember it. Those microsecond moments, before everything went crazy. Those moments, just before it all went wrong, when I knew I was about to hurt you again. That you were about to reach for me, and I was about to take your strength, because that's all I know how to do. That something was wrong, and the Demon Eyes and I were both reacting, and we were both going to reach for you, because that's all we could do.

The heartbeat of power.

The shock in your eyes as your hands tightened on my shoulders.

The snap of something breaking...inside you...as the power surged and shattered around us.

Your scream as you tried to stop me, tried to shield me, tried to ground me, and the chaos within me wrenched everything from you. As the Demon Eyes and I took all your strength, all your control, to use for our own ends. The absolute agony in that scream, as I ripped it all away. As the Demon Eyes wrenched away all your power to use for us.

The weight of your body in my arms, your still frame. The lack of response when I screamed your name. The barely identifiable pulse, your breathing so weak I could barely feel it on my shoulder. The still and shrouded energy of your mind, just barely clinging to life.

It's horrible. The memory makes me want to cry, want to be sick. And not just because of what we did, what Demon Eyes did...what I did. It's what I felt, in that last moment before you fell into the darkness and I lost sight of you.

Acceptance. You weren't fighting me, even with the pain I was causing, even as I practically killed you, tortured you, shattered you. You let me. Because you had promised. Because to guard the important things was your family legacy, and you took pride in it. Because you considered me important enough to be worth sacrificing for.

Because you cared for me as your friend. Because you trusted me, even as I violated that trust in the worst way possible.

I wish I could have protected you. It feels...awful, beyond awful, that I couldn't do anything. The Demon Eyes protected you, a little. All I could do was cry for you, scream for you. All I could do was beg you to save me from the nightmares, from the evil I felt coming from inside that house. Coming for me. All I could do, when the barrier finally came down, when it was all over, was tell Araki to take you, and beg him to take me too.

And now, you're in a coma. They say the strain was so great it damaged your body. You, who are always so strong, so brave, rushing to my defense, ready to protect me from anything, even myself. They say you're half dead.

They say you knew it would happen like this, that you sent everyone behind the gates, and told your second in command that he was in charge, before everything went wrong, because you knew, or guessed what was about to happen to you. Knew what I was capable of, and how bad it was likely to be.

I wish I had strength enough to at least cry for you.

I wish I had enough control, enough training, enough knowledge, to give you back what the Demon Eyes and I took from you.

I wish you were like Haizuki, capable of stealing my energy, so I could let you do to me what I've done to you, if it were the only way to save you. But I don't even know if you have that power, and I do know you're too honorable to do something like that.

I wish I could at least go to your bedside, stand with you, hold your hand and call your name, like you've done for me so many times. Even if does nothing, I'd hope that you would know I'm here for you. That would be something, at least.

I wish I could protect you from me. I wish I didn't feel, didn't know, to the core of my soul, that I need you. That the darkness is coming, and I'll cling to you, because you're the only safety I know. I wish I didn't know that the darkness, that monster in the shadows, will target you, because you are my protector.

I wish you were weak-willed enough to let your family and Mr. Araki do whatever they wanted to me. I wish you were a coward enough to leave me alone because my power frightens you. I wish...

I wish you hadn't saved me on the train, and come to care for me. I wish you weren't my friend, suffering for me, because of who and what I am, whatever that might be. I wish I weren't truly Luche, bringer of misfortune, for you.

I wish I didn't know that, if I could do it all again, I'd still let you do this. Because I am too weak to do otherwise, and you are too strong and bright and stubborn to let me fall on my own.

But there is no point to these wishes. All I can do is move forward, recover and keep going, and pray that you will not be sacrificed. By me, or for me. That is all I can do for either of us.

I thought I hated the Demon Eyes. For the visions, for the power, for what it does to you. But that part of me is also your protector, as much as it is possible. He kept the life in your body, this last time, when we all fell into the darkness. He protected your physical form, that last spark of life.

If it will protect you, save you, spare you any amount of suffering, I will embrace the Demon Eyes. I will learn to control that dark and wild power. I will endure the visions, and face my nightmares, the demon in the dark. I will. Because, after all...

It's a thousand times more agonizing watching you suffer for me, and give your life for mine. And there is no nightmare greater than the one I have already seen, of myself embracing your lifeless body as the screams of your pain echo in my ears.


End file.
